


The kids aren't alright

by jongbuttbutt



Series: Adrift [2]
Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 06:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14014512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jongbuttbutt/pseuds/jongbuttbutt
Summary: Daehyun is a freshman when he walks into the pub, all bright-eyed and hopeful. He meets Youngjae. It's autumn and Daehyun takes a liking to the winds- they're textured, Daehyun thinks.





	The kids aren't alright

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by real life happenings. I feel something strong for this one, I hope you guys feel it too xx Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

It's freshman year and Daehyun walks himself into the pub. It's a bit loud, but he hears when Himchan calls out to him and waves him over to their table. Daehyun introduces himself. He's sure they would ask him again what his name is a couple of minutes later, it's too loud and too late for formalities. Himchan is a year above, but Daehyun knows him because, well, just because the music department is very small and they had been introduced. Daehyun tries to pay attention to the conversation, but he hasn't had anything to eat since breakfast and really, he's more tipsy than he lets on. He knows Yongguk, just because Himchan talks at length about him, Daehyun's sure they are banging, he would put money on that. He knows Jongup, because they are sat together. He knows Junhong too, Junhong Bunhong. Word associations help. And then there's that other boy, sitting between Yongguk and Himchan across the table. They exchange remarks, laugh at one another's jokes, the boy does include him in the conversation once, 'what does Daehyun think?'. He had been bickering with Himchan about music elitism. Daehyun thinks the boy is right, he's a sucker for pop cliches too. Himchan rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. The boy smiles at him, half-smug, half amused at this possible new alliance. 

 

Daehyun waits till two days later when he and Himchan share a module to ask him about that night. 

 

'So... Who was that sat between you and Yongguk that night at the pub?' 

 

Himchan stops scribbling down notes, he doesn't even chide Daehyun for distracting him from the only module he really needs to concentrate on. Himchan's somewhat of a musical genius, but this one class. It's a pain of an introductory course. He sees the opportunity and takes it, 'what's up Daehyunnie?' Himchan asks, playful, shoulders dancing. 

 

'I just... didn't catch his name. I got everyone else's name.'

 

'Sure....' Himchan says, and contemplates whether to tease further, he drops it for now, 'his name is Youngjae.' 

 

'He's also out of your league,' Himchan clicks his pen against his chest and continues writing, matter of fact, 'he's  a Freshman like you, but already one of the new star players on the soccer team. Also, possibly potentially, new student representative.' 

 

'What do you mean 'possibly potentially'? Where do you even get your information from...' 

 

'I have good intuition.' 

 

♒

 

Himchan had been right about the star player bit, but not so much about the student representative. Although Youngjae could have easily been, if he had wanted to. Daehyun sees him again at lunch when Youngjae bumps into him in the hallways and asks if he wanted to grab some food. 

 

There's limited variation when it comes to school lunches so they head out a little to the shops. Daehyun grabs two sandwiches for good measure and Youngjae settles for sushi. Daehyun doesn't trust supermarket sushi, the rice is dry and hard and everything falls apart. They eat on the steps leading up to the school library. It's autumn, but it's one of the warmer days. The air is textured as it caresses Daehyun's face, and threads through Youngjae's hair. Daehyun thinks hard about what they can possibly talk about-- their past, future aspirations, philosophy? Daehyun is taking one class on the philosophy of aesthetics and it's on next semester, but he's already regretting it. So he settles on the weather. It's a nice day isn't it? Daehyun says.The wind has a certain texture to it. This part he thinks, but doesn't say. His question gets lost in the conversation they have later, the weather is insignificant when they get along like a brewing storm.  

 

They are reluctant to leave the conversation so Youngjae leaves a minute before class starts and has to sprint. 

 

Daehyun can't get their conversation out of his mind. 

 

What now?

 

♒

 

Nothing happens until the next time they're at Himchan's flat. They're having a mild night, just some catching up, a few beers (Youngjae's having soda because he has a match in a few days), the TV is on, who even realised? Daehyun asks about Junhong, because he's not there, and Jongup tells him he's gone home for the weekend, it's a long bus journey, but it's his mother's birthday. Youngjae receives a phone call and excuses himself, Daehyun's gaze trails after him, he turns back to the rest of the company. Jongup is asking Yongguk what happened during the Housing bubble, and it's not what he had expected. Himchan is chiming in, helping to soothe over the creases when Yongguk uses terminology. Daehyun watches them, he feels warm, he feels like he found where he could fit, that was a big deal, university can be intimidating sometimes. 

 

Youngjae comes back and settles himself beside Daehyun this time, nudging him, 'so what's up?' 

 

'They're just talking about the Housing bubble,' Daehyun says, 'I don't think Jongup gets it...' 

 

'Huh...' Youngjae says, amused, 'typical.' He gestures towards the whole scene before them. Yongguk in his element and Jongup trying to not get distracted. Politics was never his thing, poor boy. 

 

'So who was that?' Daehyun asks, trying to sound as casual as he can. Daehyun has a knack of weaving his way into other people's business, he just likes knowing. 

 

'Oh... Just... My boyfriend.'

 

Daehyun perks, but his shoulders slump slightly, 'oh?' 

 

'Oh yeah... I never mentioned did I? He's over in Spain doing his undergraduate.' Youngjae stops, trying to assess whether Daehyun wants to know more or if he has lost interest halfway. 

 

'Can I see?' Daehyun asks, tentative, he's trying, and he knows he has succeeded when Youngjae flashes a smile. 

 

'A picture?' Youngjae is reaching to unlock his phone and Daehyun nods. 

 

'Jaebum.' Youngjae says as Daehyun inspects the photograph, a little longer than necessary, but Youngjae lets him. 'Im Jaebum. Long distance is hard, but... We knew one another since we were five. We've been apart before so...' 

 

'He's cute.' Daehyun says, he's smiling now, his cheeks slightly flushed from the alcohol, he's switching to some of Youngjae's soda now. Jaebum has a nice smile and good features. 

 

'Yeah, he's alright.' Youngjae says, modest.

 

There's a pause as Daehyun finds his courage to say what's on his mind. 

 

'Does he treat you well?' 

 

Youngjae is taken aback by the question, but he's not offended, to Daehyun's relief. He smiles, gentle and nods, 'yeah'. 

 

'That's good... That's good...' Daehyun repeats and leans his back on the couch. There's a red lantern in the middle of the room and it projects a nice warmth. Daehyun feels safe, but slightly estranged from his own thoughts. 'That's good.' He repeats once more, firmer this time for good measure. 

 

♒

 

It's Youngjae's game and they're all there to watch. Soccer isn't so big in his school, but there's a good crowd nonetheless, the bleachers are almost completely filled. They win the match and Daehyun goes down to the pitch after to congratulate him. 

 

'You came!' Youngjae is surprised because it's submission week for the music students. 

 

'How could I possibly miss your match?' Daehyun pats Youngjae on his back, casual, 'you did really well.' 

 

'Thanks.' Youngjae is beaming, his breathing starts to even. 'Where are Yongguk and the babies?' 

 

They're the same age as us.Daehyun usually says, brow raised, but they've been through it a couple of times already. 

 

'They went to the toilets, they say they'll be at the pub for the party.' 

 

'Cool. You coming?' 

 

Daehyun shakes his head, probably not.

 

'Yeah, makes sense.' Youngjae replies, and maybe some part of Daehyun is a little disappointed he didn't ask for him, specifically, to stay. 'You really need to work on your project.' But-

 

But...

 

'But... I have two tickets to watch that musical you were talking about that day when you were drunk. The student union were selling some for really cheap so I got two. You wanna come with me after your submissions?'

 

Daehyun perks. Me?

 

'Don't act like you don't know we get along well. Come on. It's about time we hang out.' 

 

Daehyun finishes his submission on time, and they go for that musical. Youngjae watches as Daehyun's eyes light up in the theatre. It's Youngjae's first musical and he didn't think of himself as the musical type but by the first number he is already sold. They discuss it at length later, Youngjae is interested to know what Daehyun thinks of the performance and he gets an in-depth vocal analysis. Youngjae talks about the bits he likes the most. They go back to Youngjae's flat and play video games late into the night to celebrate Daehyun's submission. Youngjae is the first person who gets to listen to Daehyun's preliminary work on the term project. He tells Daehyun he loves it and that he'll be there when he performs his final work at the end of the three years. It's a promise and Daehyun feels his skin tingle. 

 

'But... A lot can happen in three years...' Daehyun is generally an optimist, but he can't help but worry. 

 

'So?' Youngjae says, matter of fact, instead of curt, 'I'll be there.' 

 

Daehyun smiles. I'll hold you to it.

 

They agree to meet more often. After all, it's as expected. They get along like a burgeoning storm. 

 

♒

 

They talk about everything-- except when it comes to the boys they sleep with. So it comes as a shock to Daehyun when. They're playing truth or dare with some of the seniors. Youngjae would've been more careful if he hadn't been so drunk. 

 

It's a simple question, and Youngjae answers, a little too truthfully, 'it's this guy... I met him on Tinder... And-' 

 

Daehyun cuts him off there, he's drunk too, very unstable, he lunges forward and collides into Youngjae, 'don't you have a boyfriend?' He's annoyed now, and he doesn't quite know why. 

 

'He knows... We talked about it...' Youngjae's voice is quieter now and Daehyun wants to bite his tongue. 

 

The game fizzles away when somebody makes a bee-line for the bathroom. Daehyun is pouring himself another drink when Youngjae stumbles up beside him. 

 

'Do you think I'm a horrible person?' He asks.

 

Daehyun is surprised, but he knows what Youngjae is talking about, 'it's fine... As long as he knows...' 

 

'Yeah... He knows. We made an agreement. You know... College is supposed to be... the best time of your life... It's a cliche but...' Youngjae takes a deep breath to reorganise his thoughts, 'we both agreed we should be in an open relationship for three years.'

 

Daehyun nods, 'are you happy with this...' he gestures vaguely with his hands, it's hard to find the words when everything in the room is spinning, 'arrangement...' 

 

'Mmhmm... I think I am,' Youngjae rests his palms against the counter and sighs, 'feels good now that I've told you.' 

 

'Well... Technically you told everyone... But... Yeah...' 

 

Youngjae rolls his eyes at Daehyun and mutters something under his breath. Daehyun laughs, louder than necessary, but it's the alcohol so Daehyun is spoken for. 

 

'I'm here if you ever want to talk.' He says before they go their separate ways.

 

Youngjae turns to blow him a playful kiss.

 

♒

 

Daehyun wakes up in bed one day with a boy beside him. It's not his bed, it's not his room, and the boy shifts in his sleep. 

 

'Kyungsoo? What the fuck....' The words slip past Daehyun's lips. He's a little too hungover to figure anything out, his lips are parched and his throat is on fire. 'How drunk was I?' Daehyun mumbles, absentmindedly.

 

'Thanks...' Kyungsoo groans, rubbing his temples, 'we were very drunk.' 

 

'I didn't mean it that way,' Daehyun jokes. They have so many modules together, it's just-- weird. 'It was good... I guess... From what I remember...' 

 

'I had fun too, Daehyun. See you in class yeah?' Kyungsoo gathers his things and heads for the toilets, 'don't think too much about it, you look like you're going to blow a fuse. Just shut the door when you leave it locks on its own.’ 

 

Daehyun waves him goodbye. 

 

He bumps into Youngjae at school, he seems a little stressed, but he relaxes when they sit on the steps for lunch. Daehyun with a medium sized pizza this time and Youngjae with sushi. 

 

'You really like that don't you?' Daehyun gestures at the sushi, Youngjae struggles to pick the grains up after they've fallen into the crevices of the packaging.

 

'It's alright...' 

 

'School's been busy for you?' 

 

'Deadlines... I'll be fine after tomorrow,' Youngjae contemplates putting the excess wasabi on the tip of his chopsticks in his mouth, 'probably shouldn't have gone to that party last night... I'm way behind now...' Youngjae has an ambiguous look on his face.

 

'Right... The party...' 

 

'You were smashed.' Youngjae presses his lips into a fine line, he's cute like this, when he's slightly annoyed. 'I wanted to walk you home, you know, I know where you live and your keys always dangle from your pants,' Youngjae furrows his brows in disgust, who clips their keys to their belt anymore? 'But you were already leaving with someone.' 

 

'Right...'

 

'So...' Youngjae smirks, abandoning the last few grains of rice, 'how was Kyungsoo?' 

 

'Don't remind me about it. Out of all people I had to pick my project partner for this semester.' Daehyun groans into his palms and Youngjae is laughing. But it's Youngjae and everything is interesting and bright and new and shiny with him.

 

'Don't think too much about it.' 

 

♒

 

Daehyun finds Youngjae smoking one day. He had come to Youngjae's hall unannounced, they do it all the time anyways. They stare wide-eyed at each other for a bit. 

 

'Youngjae? What the hell man!' 

 

Youngjae stubs the remainder of his cigarette out against the brick wall and leaves Daehyun in search for a dustbin. When he returns he sits on the curb and gestures for Daehyun to join him. 

 

'When did you start smoking?' 

 

'Oh! Did I not tell you about my delinquent past?' Daehyun knows Youngjae is trying to make light of the situation, he always tries to hold everything together, but sometimes bits and pieces just slip past his fingers. Daehyun raises a brow. 

 

'I smoked my first cigarette at 15, but I got bored of it after a month and stopped. Plus it was messing with my stamina, figured if my coach started noticing I would get into trouble.' 

 

'Then... Why are you smoking now?' 

 

'I found half a pack in the locker rooms.' Youngjae flicks the lighter and watches as the flame dances. Daehyun waits for him to continue, gives him all the time he needs. 

 

'I've been fighting with Jaebum.' Flick. No flame this time. 'It's been going on for weeks now, one moment everything is alright and the next we're at each other's throats again.' Flick. Still no flame. Youngjae sighs heavily, the sun is starting to set now and his eyes trail after the last glimpses of orange.

 

'What about?' 

 

'Oh everything. Just this morning it was me being an asshole and wanting to know who he's been sleeping with. We agreed not to talk about it, I was the one who brought it up first, and now I'm so scared. I just... I don't want Jaebum to feel like I don't trust him.' Flick. This time the flame comes on and it dances in Youngjae's eyes, they turn a shade of gold and Daehyun stops himself from staring. 

 

Daehyun nudges Youngjae's shoulder with his. 'Hey. You're not being an asshole. It is scary. Long distance itself is scary. And I've never met Jaebum but I can tell he loves you as much as you love him and he knows you're trying your best. Don't be too hard on yourself.' 

 

Youngjae looks up at Daehyun, earnest and warm and drenched in comfort. 'Thanks.' Youngjae says, slinging an arm over Daehyun and giving him a hug, 'thank you always.' Youngjae is always looking out for everyone, sometimes Daehyun worries he might burn out. 

 

'You can thank my sister for leaving her teen magazines lying around when we were younger, I've read more advice columns than I'm like to admit.' Daehyun smiles and hugs back. Youngjae smells like laundry and the mint shampoo that he bought in bulk online because it's cheaper that way. Except Daehyun had to take half with him because twenty bottles is too much. 

 

Youngjae takes the cigarettes from his pocket and sets them down on the curb, just in case someone wants them, he says. 

 

♒

 

They're in their second year but nothing really changes. 

 

Except when it did, it happened so fast that Daehyun doesn't have time to breathe. The next time he takes a breath he's lying beside Youngjae, coming down from his high. 

 

They were at a someone's house, Youngjae's team won the match again and they were celebrating.

 

'Fina-fucking-lly' Youngjae says as he downs a glass of vodka lemonade and reaches for the plate of fries someone has so kindly set on the table. He has to eat healthy and abstain from alcohol before a match and it's getting annoying to keep up with. Youngjae moans indulgently as he reaches for more fries. Daehyun brought his own food, he had picked up some takeout because he knew there wouldn't be enough food, there was never enough. 

 

Between Youngjae fighting him for a bite of his chicken chowmein and them queuing to enter the club, Daehyun remembers so little. 

 

Why is he so drunk?

 

He remembers surrendering his last piece of chicken to Youngjae. Then remembers joining Youngjae's teammates in the hall and hearing a round of 'oh hey Daehyun!' (They all knew who he was, how could they not. He and Youngjae were often together). Then the laughing, the poker game. Then the beer bong challenge. Oh. Right. The beer bong challenge. That's why. He won though, at least he remembers that. 

 

Someone passes him a pill. 

 

Normally he wouldn't. But he sees Youngjae place his at the back of his tongue. Youngjae swallows and Daehyun follows suit because Youngjae always knows what he's doing. He always does. It hits and he dances for his life. Youngjae is there too and they are dancing and the music is delicious, touching is delicious and they do just that. And at some point he must have just went for it, because Youngjae's mouth is hot and inviting and Daehyun is delirious and he surrenders to the feeling. They leave the club, Youngjae's teammates leave six missed messages on his phone, asking him where he went. They're back in Daehyun's dorm. Youngjae already knows this place like the back of his hand, they navigate the narrow space and soon they're on the bed, frantically peeling at one another's clothes. It feels so good and Daehyun finally admits to himself that he has been thinking about this for a while. Daehyun kisses youngjae and lets his want slide down his throat. 

 

Daehyun takes a deep breath when they finish, it feels like he's been holding his breath forever. They are holding one another, letting the last of their highs wash over them. 

 

The next morning Daehyun finds Youngjae rummaging through his sink cupboard. 

 

'Um... My extra toothbrushes are the drawer.' Daehyun gestures towards the bottom drawer with his toe. They brush their teeth and they're sitting on the bed again, it's the only place for two to sit, really. 

 

'Did you... Was it... Um...' Daehyun struggles and Youngjae watches him, tiny hint of an amused smile on his face, 'was it good for you.' 

 

'Are you kidding?' Youngjae says incredulous, his voice drops, he's shy now and Daehyun's not used to this. It's cute. 'It was really good.' 

 

'Yeah?' Daehyun says, a little private pride swelling in his chest, 'it was good for me too.' 

 

It's the best I've ever felt with someone. Daehyun wants to say, but he doesn't. 

 

'So... What do we do now?' Daehyun asks.

 

'Get some cereal? Then go for a run? It's Sunday.' 

 

Right. They go for a run together every Sunday morning. Hangover or not. Daehyun groans and kicks his sheets for effect. 

 

They're running along the river, it's a good running route, Youngjae has an app and it says they've been running for about 5 kilometres. Daehyun wants to die. But he marvels at how normal this feels. 

 

Don't think too much about it. He tells himself, but he hears it in Youngjae's voice. 

 

♒

 

Maybe it feels so good that they fall into a pattern.

 

It happened everytime they got drunk. Then it started happening without any convenient excuses. And after they would lie in bed and Youngjae would ask him about his day, it's casual and it's weird. Youngjae listens intently when Daehyun tells him about his project ideas and Daehyun asks one too many questions when Youngjae explains what he's been learning in class and Daehyun has to consciously push aside the feeling that he could do this for the rest of his life. When he's alone, the feeling eats at him again and he's too tired to fight it. 

 

But they are friends, through and through. The endless teasing, the annoyance, when Daehyun goes to Youngjae's room and he nags at him to clean up. Daehyun can't quite place what they are. He thinks it's nice to live in this ambiguity for as long as they can. 

 

He asks about Jaebum every time he feels his mind wander. And sometimes when Daehyun forgets to ask, Youngjae fills him in. The ache in his heart reminds him where he stands. 

 

They don't sleep with other people, they've never told each other, but they both know.  

 

♒

 

Daehyun takes a picture every time he's out with people. Most of the time Youngjae is in the picture. They ask him about it once, and Youngjae knows it's futile because he has asked many times before. 

 

'It's for my dissertation project.' Daehyun would say, but divulges nothing more. 

 

'Hey... I wanna show you something...' Daehyun says one night after he had taken a shower, Youngjae is already tucked in bed but he peeks out of the covers anyways, 'what?' he says, curious, sleep washing off his system slowly. 

 

Youngjae doesn't expect to leave the room, less so break into campus in the middle of the night. 

 

'It's fine... The music seniors do this all the time nearing deadlines. It's a tradition.' 

 

'Well if you put it that way...' Youngjae says as he rolls his eyes, but he goes through with it anyway. He's had his fair share of breaking the rules. 

 

They're in the music room and Daehyun turns on his laptop, and he plays something on the piano, 'this is preliminary and there's gonna be other instruments but... My composition is about autumn and the winds, and stuff...' It's a nice, breezy tune and Youngjae is smiling. 

 

'While I play the music, there'll be visuals in the back, that's what the pictures are for, I'm going to lay them in a sequence, it's going to be sped up so all that can be seen are colours.' 

 

'Sounds fantastic,' Youngjae says, even though Daehyun is stumbling through the song as he struggles to remember the notes, should have brought his notebook along. 

 

'Really?' Daehyun's eyes light up like it's christmas, 'my Professor is very sceptical, but he's letting me do what I want for now.' 

 

'I think it's a good idea Dae...' Youngjae says again when they're on the rooftop of the building. It's autumn and it's getting a little chilly. 

 

'Thanks...' Daehyun smiles, 'I just... Really like the winds in Autumn.' 

 

'Yeah...' Youngjae says, distant as he toes the ledge, Daehyun is nervous and grabs the belt of Youngjae's pants from where he is, safely behind the ledge. 'It's nice... They're-

 

Textured.' 

 

Youngjae is smiling at him and Daehyun gapes at him, 'that's exactly what I was thinking.' 

 

'Yeah?' Youngjae says, rhetorical. He's amused but not too surprised. They are soulmates after all. Wouldn't be too much of a bad idea to admit it now, when the winds are gentle and Daehyun is everything that's preventing him from falling to his death. 

 

We're the same person, Daehyun. Youngjae says to this to Daehyun quite a lot, when they're excitedly discussing a movie in bed, or talking about their day, or their favourite childhood anecdotes. 

 

And Daehyun thinks about the Greek story- the one with humans having four hands and four legs, two heads. They are so powerful that the gods feared for themselves and separated them down the middle. They spend their days wandering the earth until they find the half of themselves. And when they do, it will be the greatest joy in the world. 

 

Daehyun thinks that's exactly how it feels. 

 

♒

 

'Are you okay with it?' Daehyun asks, ambiguous.

 

'With what?' Youngjae hums, it's quiet now and they can hear the soft hum of the radiator, someone should probably turn it off, it's getting warmer. 

 

'You know...' Daehyun continues when he realises Youngjae doesn't, in fact, know, 'Jaebum... With other people...' 

 

'Oh.' Youngjae furrows his brow, he reaches a finger to his lips, just as he always does when he's thinking. He worries his nails, they're short and blunt and Daehyun can see the pink of his flesh. Daehyun pulls his hand away and Youngjae doesn't even realise anymore. 

 

'I wasn't okay, not at first... But now I just don't think about it. We don't talk about it.' 

 

'I see.' Daehyun says. The whole situation is ironic. He's far too involved to claim a third person's point of view, but he's asking because he doesn’t know how he would feel, but he thinks-

 

'I think I would die.' 

 

Youngjae chuckles, ‘yeah...’ he says, ambiguous. 

 

Daehyun doesn’t pry, ‘that’s good then...’

 

‘I do think about it from time to time... it used to drive me crazy,’ Youngjae is rubbing his eyes out of habit, they’ve been awake for too long and Youngjae feels sleep weighing heavy on his eyelids. ‘But it’s just sex...’ Youngjae says, absentmindedly. 

 

Daehyun doesn’t respond and Youngjae throws in a ‘goodnight’ for good measure. This happens a lot, falling asleep on each other, either that or they manage, by accident, to watch the sunrise. 

 

Daehyun lies awake in bed. Sometimes he dreams of watching his life from the bleachers, playing out in front of him in cinematic fashion. Tonight's just one of those nights, where he wonders if there's any purpose to life beyond these strange, transient moments with Youngjae in which he feels most alive. In which he's not merely existing. Perhaps only he feels this way. 

 

He listens to the sound of Youngjae's steady breathing. Youngjae is alive and the earth is still in orbit, the soft spinning makes Daehyun dizzy. The world doesn't stop to notice that Daehyun's heart has stopped beating.

 

♒

 

Daehyun doesn't know how he's going to keep this up, after the tenth 'it's nothing really, I'm just busy', he sort of just gives up. Youngjae isn't an idiot. 

 

'Fine. Just...' Youngjae sighs, frown deep-set on his forehead, it has been like that for a week, it's exasperating, 'if you want to talk you know where to find me...' Youngjae leaves halfway through his lunch and Daehyun feels guilty really, but there's not much he can do. He has never been good with expressing negative emotions, he just doesn't want to disappoint. Also it seems very silly, Daehyun is embarrassed everytime he thinks about it. 

 

Of course it's just sex. Youngjae has a boyfriend for god's sake. Daehyun wouldn’t even hope for a minute that it could be anything more. 

 

But here he is, still, pouring himself some vodka, having it neat. 

 

'Jesus... Have some ice with it at least...' Himchan says, but it sounds so distant that Daehyun ignores it and downs the shot. 

 

Daehyun finds himself at the club. The music is throbbing and it feels good. Everything is spinning and he feels someone steadying him. 'It's okay Himchan, you go have fun, I'm fine, I want to dance.' Daehyun slurs, or he thinks he does, the words come out in a jumble. Himchan passes him over to Junhong while he goes to get another drink for himself. He forgets about Himchan when they're dancing. Junhong has some impressive moves, so does Jongup, and Daehyun smiles and watches at some point. That was between another shot of tequila and the bathroom. He throws up and washes his face, the water is cold and it wakes him up. Junhong is there when he exists the bathroom. Junhong looks worried. 'Are you okay Daehyun? You need us to send you home?' Daehyun shakes his head, he waves them away with a smile, 'you guys go have fun I'll just wait here a bit, I feel much better already.' But Junhong looks so worried, and they have lost Himchan somewhere along the way. They can't just leave Daehyun here. He can barely support his own weight. 

 

'You're here!' Junhong suddenly exclaims, 'you're going home now? Great! Can you take Daehyun with you? I don't know what to do, he refuses to let us take him home!' he says, genuine panic on his face and Daehyun just about manages to turn towards the other voice. 

 

'Fuck... Youngjae?' Daehyun says as he's being supported out of the club. 

 

'Yes it's me dipshit. So much for 'thanks for pulling me away before I puke all over the bouncer's new shoes Youngjae!'' Daehyun apologises profusely. Youngjae holds onto him tightly. 

 

They're sitting on the curb and Daehyun has his head in his palms, the spinning is starting to stop, the cold air is helping and Youngjae scoots nearer to Daehyun. It's cold. It's just reflex. 

 

'I'm sorry...' Daehyun says again, it's quiet now so Youngjae is sure to hear. 

 

'For what?' Youngjae says, picking at the lint on his cardigan, 'the drunkenness I can handle. You ignoring me, less so...' 

 

'I'm sorry for ignoring you... I just... Have a lot of stupid misplaced feelings... But you were right...' 

 

Youngjae is still toying at the lint, he's staring at it fervently, he doesn't meet Daehyun's gaze. Youngjae is smart, he knows- sort of knows what Daehyun means. He knows Daehyun, feels like he's known him all his life. But he asks anyway because he could be wrong, he wishes he got it wrong, 'about what?' 

 

'It's just sex...' 

 

Maybe it's the leftover alcohol in his system. Maybe Daehyun's just tired. Maybe sometimes he lies awake at night thinking about five year old Youngjae meeting five year old Jaebum for the first time and it's the cutest thing in the world and he just hates himself for it.

 

He looks up and Youngjae is looking at him, he doesn't say anything, there's nothing to say really. 

 

'This is all just... Really new to me and I got confused. I'm sorry.' 

 

'You mean a lot to me Daehyun... I care about you...' Youngjae starts, he's looking at his fingers now, he's toying with the lint again, 'I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never wanted to lead you on or anything...' 

 

'It's not you... I just... I was just confused... I'm okay now.'

 

Youngjae nods, he's still trying to work everything out in his head. He's biting his nails now and Daehyun pulls Youngjae's hand from his mouth. Daehyun doesn't know why he does it. Out of habit maybe. 

 

'I promise I won't be a dick again. Promise.' 

 

Youngjae smiles and smacks Daehyun over his head. Daehyun protests and Youngjae helps him to his feet.

 

'Out of everyone at university I just had to pick the dumbest one for a best friend.' 

 

'Best friend?' Daehyun's eyes are wide and bright and Youngjae rolls his eyes. 

 

'Yeah.' Youngjae says, annoyed, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. He means it. Daehyun holds back returning affection, because he knows this is how Youngjae deals with things, he keeps it inside and pretends everything is back to normal. And Daehyun thinks maybe this is the only way forward now. 

 

♒

 

They fall back into the same pattern and Daehyun only has himself to blame. 

 

Youngjae hears a knock on his door in the evening and opens it to Daehyun standing outside, shifting his weight from one foot to the other in the cold. 

 

‘Hey... I just... Can I come in?’

 

He says and Youngjae pulls him into the warmth of his apartment. It’s the change of Seasons and Daehyun still refuses to let go of wearing just a hoodie and sweatpants. 

 

‘How have you been?’ 

 

‘Good, good...’

 

It’s awkward. They haven’t been alone together in such an intimate space in a long time. And Daehyun thinks he's crossing several boundaries here, but some cruel forces of nature have driven him to Youngjae's apartment and he's too tired to fight them. 

 

'I... I miss...' He struggles and Youngjae understands. 

 

'I miss you too.' 

 

And Youngjae feels so guilty for meaning it, for craving the comfort that is Daehyun. 

 

'I won't fuck up again.' Daehyun says, and he's staring as Youngjae works his bottom lip between his teeth. 

 

Youngjae opens his mouth to speak, and he's so careful as always, and he's so afraid, 'I don't know... I don't want you to get hurt again Daehyun. I don't like seeing you get hurt, it hurts me too...' 

 

Daehyun makes more promises he can't keep, that he's fine and he sees things clearly now. But he sees Youngjae and his vision is clouted with want. 

 

They end up kissing and Daehyun fucks him into the mattress. 

 

The sheets have come undone and their clothes are strewn everywhere. Everything is a mess. But they can deal with it later. 

 

But old habits die hard and Daehyun does all he can to hold on to the remnants of this arrangement. 

 

♒

 

Himchan catches Daehyun on a bad day and invites him back to his place. Himchan is now a fresh graduate and landed himself a great job with heritage preservation, but he and Yongguk still find the time to hang out with them.

 

'But... How did you know?' 

 

'I'm not an idiot Daehyun. As if it's not apparent to everyone' Himchan sighs, 'why didn't you come talk to me?' 

 

'I didn't want you to take sides...' 

 

'You can't help these things Daehyun. But I like you both enough. Even when you're together. And you're collectively a bigger menace than you already are individually, impossible as that sounds.' Himchan drops his sarcasm, he feels sorry really, he's seen the way Daehyun and Youngjae have been around each other. 'Look. You have to tell Youngjae. You're obviously in love with him and you're hurting yourself. And I know you don’t mean it, but you’re hurting Youngjae too.' 

 

Daehyun thinks, maybe his days of living in ambiguity with Youngjae are numbered. It is an artificially sustained sphere of existence anyway. 

 

The problem with it all is no one quite knows what happens when you find your soulmate after wandering the earth for nineteen years and he's in love with someone else. 

 

♒

 

Maybe it's easier that way.

 

‘Daehyun.’ 

 

Maybe it's easier because Youngjae knows Daehyun so well. 

 

‘Daehyun.’

 

Daehyun is kissing Youngjae, all teeth and tears and frustration. 

 

It takes a harsh hold of his shoulders for him to stop. Daehyun is looking into Youngjae’s eyes for the first time in a long time. He’s afraid as he wonders if they’ve always been this beautiful. Even when they’re brimming with tears. Youngjae’s jaw is clenched and he’s breathing in stutters. Daehyun pulls apart and sits cross-legged on the bed, Youngjae mirrors him. 

 

‘Jae?’ He finally says, ‘We can’t keep doing this can we...’ 

 

Youngjae chuckles, he shakes his head. 

 

‘I’m sorry.’ Youngjae says, it comes out as a plea, ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’

 

‘I know.’ Daehyun gently presses the pad of his index finger to Youngjae’s cheek and wipes at the tears. ‘I thought I could do this, you know, no strings attached... But looks like I’m all strings.’ 

 

Youngjae laughs and Daehyun feels an ache in his heart. He wonders if the dull throb will go away in time or if it’s a permanent condition. He doesn’t quite know which he would prefer. ‘I don’t want to lose you, Youngjae.’ 

 

‘I don’t want to lose you either. But I can’t be selfish anymore Dae...’ Youngjae is chewing his nails, Daehyun doesn’t stop him this time. 

 

‘Don’t say that... We do get along don’t we...’ Daehyun says, mostly rhetorical, he’s sure of it this time, he hears it in the shake of Youngjae’s voice when he talks about losing him. But the boy nods anyway.

 

‘Let's stop sleeping with each other.' Youngjae says after a long time, and it comes out in stutters. 

 

'Yeah...' Daehyun presses his knees to Youngjae, it feels safer this way, it feels present, 'That's a good place to start...' 

 

Youngjae nods, he offers a small smile, but it's a sad one and Daehyun remembers the first time they met and the careless joy he emanated. 'Hey.' Daehyun starts, 'we're going to be okay.' He says, resolute, for Youngjae, maybe for himself. Youngjae nods, careful, but with a slow confidence, he has always been good at fixing things. And things haven't gone beyond repair, not when Daehyun is still here and they're lying beside one another now. 

 

'Can I...' Daehyun reaches tentatively for Youngjae's hand and Youngjae reaches out and laces their fingers together. Daehyun feels whole and he lets the comfort wrap around him like smoke, lets himself linger on the tail ends of this feeling. Until morning, when the light shines in and everything is painfully clear again. They'll untangle this mess then. Everything is clear in the light, and Daehyun must learn to shroud this ache until it dissolves in the dark. 

 

He feels everything fall apart when Youngjae reaches out a hand to cup his wet cheek. 

 

♒

 

Youngjae wakes up in the middle of the night. It's 4am and he sits upright on the bed, knees pulled to his chest. Daehyun notices and rubs the sleep from his eyes. He sits beside Youngjae who is now staring out the window, pensive. 

 

'Hey. Wanna go get something to eat?' 

 

They do, and they settle with cup ramen and they're sitting in the basketball court. It's getting cold so Daehyun finally appreciates that Youngjae brought his throw down with him, though he was embarrassed by it at first. He pulls the throw tighter around the both of them. 

 

They're quiet for the most part. It's hard and all Youngjae can think of is to apologise. 

 

'I'm sorry... I really didn't mean to lead you on or anything... I... I guess I was selfish. I didn’t think what I was doing to you.' 

 

'No no... You made it pretty clear. It was just... I couldn't. It was wrong of me to think I could do this... Not to say I didn't enjoy it, I did.... Just...'

 

'I know.' Youngjae says, and it steadies Daehyun. He takes a deep breath. 'I feel too much for you, Youngjae. You're the most amazing person I've ever met.' 

 

He takes another breath, and the words just come.

 

'But I want you to be happy.' Daehyun says. He comes to terms with it. He’ll be here only as long as Youngjae will have him.

 

'I want you to be happy too Daehyun. You know where I stand on this. You know I love you, I just-'

 

'Not in the same way...' Daehyun offers, he's smiling now, it's okay. He wants to say, everything will be okay.

 

'You deserve all the happiness in the world Daehyun. I'm sorry.' 

 

Don't be sorry. Daehyun says again. everything's going to be okay. He says out loud this time. 

 

'It's going to be winter soon...' 

 

Daehyun says absentmindedly as they let the last of the autumn winds dance past them.

 

♒

 

Daehyun finishes his final project a minute before presentation and he presents it in front of his advisor. He shakes as his fingers brush the keys because he remembers the scepticism in his advisor's voice when he had told him his piece will be about--

 

Love.

 

But Daehyun tries his best and his juniors who are playing the other parts he wrote shoot him an assuring smile. They've been through this before, he can do it. 

 

Daehyun feels the nerves leave him after the fourth bar and the music lifts from his fingers. 

 

'I take back my words, Daehyun.' His professor says, he is distrustful of anything that isn't classical or traditional, but Daehyun is stubborn about his project (for good reason too) and that he can appreciate, 'this is really good. Thank you.' 

 

Youngjae is the first to know of this, and he treats Daehyun to some late night Galbi. They get a side of soju, maybe two and Daehyun feels the pieces coming back together, slowly but surely. He doesn't hold back when teasing Youngjae and he notices a flash of a smile before Youngjae fights back with snarky replies. They laugh and the other customers shoot them disapproving glances. 

 

Daehyun thinks they deserve this night.

 

The skies are clear and the clouds are just beginning to drift away.

 

The moon is there, still muted by the streetlights, but bright nonetheless. 

 

♒

 

It's the showcase for the final year music students and Daehyun walks on stage. He can count on his coursemates to embarrass him and they do, they whistle and shout his name. He flushes as he grabs the mic. 

 

He introduces his piece, he's stumbling a bit but he finds Youngjae and the others in the crowd and it steadies him. A lot of things can change in three years, but here they are, as promised. His work is about autumn and love. It combines an original composition and visuals. The visuals are a compilation of all the photos he took over the years, layered over one another until all that's left is a gradient-- texture in motion. Like the autumn winds. 

 

He sees Youngjae mouth a 'good luck' and he takes his seat at the piano. He takes a deep breath and exhales. He feels as though he has experienced his whole life in the past three years and it shows in his music. He closes his eyes and trusts. 

 

Youngjae notes how the melody is bittersweet, and he sees Daehyun's time, their time, pass before his eyes, the colours- a mix of bright oranges, deep blues, and everything in between. He’s thankful the room is dark so he’ll never have to admit to tearing up.

 

Youngjae finds Daehyun after the showcase is over and he hugs him tight, 'you did so well,' he says and Daehyun beams with pride. They slink off after lunch, just the two of them. Youngjae volunteers to get the drinks for the party later on and by default, that means Daehyun too. 

 

They drag out the walk to the convenience store. It's barely five minutes away, but they find a way. 

 

'I really liked your work Dae.' Youngjae says, it's the first time he's seen it in its entirety. 

 

'Yeah?' Daehyun takes another sip of his slushee. The drinks are getting warm by their feet, but here they are, sitting on the sidewalk bench with all the time in the world. Well, it's about you. Daehyun doesn't say, but Youngjae understands. He knows and he takes comfort in the look in Daehyun's eyes, that everything is going to be okay now. Things are getting better.

 

'Maybe Jaebum can come to the party?' 

 

'Are you sure... But-'

 

'I would like for him to be there. It would be nice... You know...' Daehyun smiles, it's genuine, albeit having to practice this moment for weeks, '... to meet him and stuff. Besides, you can't coop him up in your room the entire night!' 

 

Youngjae crushes his slushee cup and aims for the bin. He takes a shot and it hits the rim and bounces into the bin.  

 

'Score!' they both yell and Youngjae feels like the first time they met. Even then it had already been painfully obvious they were meant to be in each other's lives. 

 

'I'm not going to say I'll miss this Dae,' Youngjae says, resolute, 'because this is not goodbye and we'll have many more times like this.' He gets up and grabs the plastic bag full of mixers. Daehyun takes Youngjae's cue, they should really start heading home before all the ice melts.

 

Daehyun has spent too much time thinking about this moment, what it would be like at the end of his three years. And he thinks it's beautiful that when the moment has finally arrived, it's so perfectly unspectacular.

 

Maybe there is no end after all. 

 

 

♒

 

The walls of Daehyun's living room are painted red by the lantern that sits in the middle of the room, he inherited it from Yongguk after his graduation, they were all there to attend, Youngjae denies it but he teared up when Himchan made his valedictorian speech. They will never let him live it down. Despite himself, they all know Youngjae loves with something fierce. They're sitting cross-legged on the floor, it's early in the morning now and the other guests have trickled out of the house. Yongguk, Himchan, Junhong, Jongup, Youngjae, Daehyun, and Jaebum. They bask in a collective moment, a warm, reminiscent familiarity. A lot of things can change in three years, it's hard to hold onto anything. But here they are, drinking out of red plastic cups, allowing themselves to be sentimental. They're sleepy and drunk and the better half of them have swapped alcohol out for tap water. They allow themselves to be sentimental, make some promises to meet often, keep the chat active, share updates. They've been through this once when Himchan and Yongguk had graduated, but now it feels more real. Daehyun thinks a lot can change in the coming years, but they've survived the three years, everything else will fall into place. Himchan has his head on Yongguk's shoulder and Youngjae is caught in a conversation with Junhong and Jongup, something about video game hacks, Youngjae is reluctant to share his tricks and the pair find new ways to emotionally blackmail him. Jaebum is visibly relaxed now, his grip on the cup slackens, soft smile on his face as he watches Youngjae bicker with Jongup and Junhong. 

 

'Hey...' Daehyun's voice shakes him from his reverie. 

 

'Hey!' Jaebum says. They've spoken before, but not like this. Daehyun looks vulnerable, it's too late/early in the night to put up defences. Too late to pretend everything is okay. But Daehyun feels a calmness. It surprises him and he lays back into the feeling. Jaebum watches as Daehyun glances over to Youngjae, with a certain look on his face. Jaebum can't quite figure out what it is in the brevity of the moment. The weight in his expression. Affection? Comfort gilded with sad nostalgia? He doesn't quite know. But they're all tired and it's the dawn of another day. Jaebum sees it in Daehyun's eyes when he turns back to him-- a spark, now burning down to a soft, slow ache, one that Daehyun holds onto fondly. 

 

'Take care of him.'

 

Jaebum smiles, and Daehyun already knows he will, but he wants to hear it regardless. 

 

'I will.' 

 

'That's good...' Daehyun takes a deep breath, almost indulgent. He exhales slowly, feeling something within him release, slowly, but surely. It will take a while, but Daehyun knows he will feel whole again. He leans back on the sofa, and closes his eyes, listening to the sounds that are the amalgamation of the past three years. He hears Youngjae's voice most saliently and Daehyun knows it's a voice he will always look forward to hearing. Like the sound of rain against the window, soft and beckoning and reminiscent of warm Autumn days. There's a smile on his face, genuine this time, so he says it one more time for good measure, 'That's good.' 


End file.
